


Jaws vs. Deadpool

by orphan_account



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Jaws (Movies)
Genre: Deadpool being Deadpool, Gen, Humor, One Shot, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 16:23:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16814203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Deadpool goes on a hunt in the waters around Amity Island, coming face to face with the most infamous shark of them all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I used Quint's introductory scene from the film as a starting point and decided to go nuts from there. Surprised I couldn't find any crossovers between these two elsewhere on Ao3, but there you have it.

The crowd were in the heat of protest over the closure of the beaches when they heard the high scraping sound behind them. They all turned to see source of the noise, a man scraping his nails over the chalkboard who was sitting nonchalantly with a look that was both stern and amused. Quint. One of the more infamous fisherman in Amity. Somehow he had drawn up a crude illustration of a shark eating a boy without them noticing, and began munching on a cracker with the same hand he used to get their attention.

"Y'all know me," he said. "Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down the pond chasin' bluegills and tommycods. This shark, swallow you whole. Little shakin', little tenderizin', an' down you go."

"Thanks for the foreshadowing, Mr. Quint," said an unfamiliar voice. "And for spoiling the ending for the audience."

Everyone turned to the doorway to see a tall man dressed head to toe in what looked like a red and black ninja outfit, complete with a pair of katanas crossed behind his back. He was leaning on the frame with his arms crossed, turning slightly to the councillors to give a small wave.

"And who might you be?" asked a very confused Mayor Vaughan.

"Let's cut to the chase," said the stranger, "you have a shark problem. I have some free time. My swords here have made kebabs out of many a bad guy, so I'm pretty sure I can make sashimi out of your monster fish. All I need is enough money to hire a boat, some basic equipment, and before you know it you have an island saved and a cast intact."

"I'm sorry," said Chief Brody, "but do we know you? This is local business and quite frankly, I don't think you should even be walking around with those things on your back. You mind taking your mask off?"

"First off, my name is Deadpool. You don't need my real name, I'm not going to be here long, but I am registered at the...oh hang on, what was it...one of those mom and pop motels on the edge of town. Second, I do have a permit for these swords, and for my guns, which you'll notice I did not bring with me."

"Wait, guns? All right, who the hell are you? Take that mask off." Brody walked over and the crowd parted with worried faces.

"I wouldn't do that, I'm very sensitive about my looks," said Deadpool, stepping backwards. "And you haven't even heard my price. Nine thousand tops, cheaper than what less angry Ahab was going to propose."

"Jesus H. Christ," muttered Quint, "and here I thought this was meant to be a serious meetin'. What this island needs is a professional shark fisherman, not some blow up doll come to life. Why don' you go teach the little hellions down the street karate an' leave the hunt to those of us who know what we're doing?"

"Hey, never judge a book by its cover. (But let's be honest, that original hardcover was a bit lame. Funny how the artwork for the paperback was used for the movie poster.) Besides, I've been fishing plenty of times, including by sea and ice fishing back in Canada."

"How impressive," said Vaughan drily, "but that doesn't qualify you for nine grand, not from us nor the grieving mother who put up the reward."

"Then I'll do it for the three she's offered," he replied. "Like I said, enough to hire a boat, get some rods and barrels, maybe some chum from the local market and have enough left over to enjoy my vacation with."

Quint laughed derisively. "For three thousand bucks? You'll barely get the boat, assumin' anyone here is fool enough to charter one to ya."

"And what about a crew?" asked Brody. "You don't plan on going out there alone, do you?"

"I work better alone," said Deadpool, lowering his voice. "Maximum effort." He waved his hands in an arch for emphasis. Brody looked unimpressed, the crowd also beginning to murmur with doubt. Quint's laughter grew even louder.

"What asylum did they let you out of?" he chortled, turning to the mayor. "You want this bastard shark, Mister Mayor? You want to hire this idiot? Go ahead. You'll be less one nutcase and this town's reputation'll go down the crapper along with its money."

His face turned serious. "I can do it for ya and I can do it alone, but I value my neck at more than three thousand bucks. I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him and kill him for ten. I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates, there's too many captains on this island."

"He says that now," whispered Deadpool to Brody. Quint ignored him.

"Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing."

"Since I'm here, where can I rent a boat? Because I'll not only kill the beast, but have him served up on a platter before the Fourth of July. That's the Deadpool promise."

"What are you gonna do, use yourself as a lure?" Quint snickered as he and his crewman exited the room.

"Hardy har har, jerk," said Deadpool, turning back to Brody. The chief's face held no amusement. "Well, it seems I am unwanted, so I'll just go find a boat the old fashioned way. In the Yellow Pages, or something like that. But I again promise you-"

"Get outta here," said Brody. "And don't let me catch you using those swords."

"As you wish, I'm leaving. But you'll all thank me later!" With that, he too exited the meeting as everyone shook off their feelings of bewilderment. Within hours, the beaches were closed.


	2. Chapter 2

The sea was flat and tranquil, shimmering under the sun with a look inviting to anybody who wanted to enter. There were almost no clouds in the sky, and the island was far enough away to be only a thin blue line if you were to look in its direction. Sitting in the water was an older boat that had seen better days, and waiting next to a large fishing rod was none other than Deadpool. He had attached some beef to the line and cast it out twenty minutes before, but so far no takers. He got up and stretched, walking over to the chum bucket and trying to hold his breath. The smell of fish blood and guts that were out in the sun was rancid, and it seemed a shame to him that he needed to sully the pristine sea with oily red. But he promised the town a shark, and this was the way to get one. Hopefully the real menace, not some other innocent carnivore.

Why hello, Dear Reader, I didn't see you there. Excuse me a second, I just have to dump this nasty shit overboard. Ah, there we go, gross. Plenty more where that came from. Now I'll bet you're wondering, what the hell am I doing in _Jaws_ , of all places? How did I even get here? Well, I'll tell you. I had planned on going back in time to visit the seventies and prevent a childhood event that has haunted me since. Nothing dark or anything like that, more just something that has left me with anxiety for years that could have been avoided. And I know, you change one thing, you change everything, but I think the universe would have understood in this case. Not that it matters, Cable found out I was borrowing his equipment again and caught up with me, ticked off as usual. Long story short, we get into a fight, this vortex opens up after the machine malfunctions and pulls me in, and now I'm stuck in the Jaws universe. And if you think that's lazy fanfic writing by some fat idiot who's sitting at their computer with a blank expression, you're not wrong. Oh, and as for the boat, I was carrying around enough cash that I could use to pay for things in the seventies that would cost quite a bit in 2018 but were almost a pittance back then. Or so I thought; I'm down to about $20 now, but at least my room is covered for another three days.

At that moment, the reel began to tug ever so slightly. He sat down and grabbed hold, hoping he wouldn't need a harness to keep himself stable. Of course, if it was the big guy himself, he hoped he didn't end up going overboard. Within seconds, the line started moving and he had to hold the pole between his feet, winding back the handle as soon as he had the opportunity. There was a lot of resistance but he considered that a good thing. If it came back too easily, that meant the shark was gone and he was left with effectively nothing to show for it. He took his time with the reel, giving it some slack after every pull to ease his quarry to the surface. So far, the ocean showed no sign of the shark, only the blue-green color laced with traces of chum.

He took deep breaths and worked the reel again, leaning back into his seat as he did so. Suddenly, a dark shape erupted from the water and crashed onto the stern. Wade's quick reflexes had him roll out of the way and scramble for the steering wheel. He grabbed onto it and turned looked behind, seeing a mouth that could easily fit a whole person inside of it nipping at his feet. Rows of vicious looking teeth snapped and bit down on the splinters of wood that slid into the maw of the beast. It was the great white, and it looked more horrifying in person. He reached for his sidearm when the boat started to sink under the weight of the shark. He panicked and tried to get the safety off, but this caused him to lose his grip and descend straight into the behemoth's waiting grin.

"Shit!" he yelled, kicking at the teeth that were snapping like a torture device. "No no no, not like this, _no no NO!"_

The shark bit down and he heard a hideous crunch. Pain jolted through his midsection as he was thrashed around, his body and bones being sawed by the horrendous teeth. Screaming in fright, he aimed the gun at the shark's rolled back eye and fired, just as the jaws of the monster bisected him. The shark slid back into the ocean, a large pool of blood now staining the sea. Wade crawled towards the bow, finally getting a grip and holding on for dear life. And at least the shark was successfully injured.

"Eye for an eye," he wheezed, "or in this case, my legs and most of my organs. Cable, where are you when I need you? Could really use your intervention right about now."

The shark emerged from the water as if in response. It's right eye was a bloody mess and it snapped at Wade, who saw some his flesh was still hanging from its teeth. He screamed in anger, firing four more bullets at the shark. Only three hit, and they all only seemed to graze the creature, which sank again into the depths. His boat was almost completely sunk and it wouldn't be long before he was treading water and essentially shark food. Seriously, this is the direction you're taking? I thought this was going to be a fun romp where I fight the great white in a badass action scene, not a frightening life or death scenario. Prick.

The fin of the creature appeared a few yards away and was coming towards him. He then remembered his katanas and an idea came to him. He held onto the bow with his gun hand and pulled out one of the swords just as the shark was closing in. He waited until he could see the head of the fish and lunged in the blade like he was planting a flag into its skull. The shark thrust its head up violently and Deadpool swung himself to match, aiming the gun to fire his last round into the beast point blank.

"Eat this, you son of a bitch!" he growled as the bullet ripped through the animal's skin and into its brain. The creature bucked even more, knocking Wade off to the side. He paddled to the surface and swivelled to face the beast, letting out a triumphant shout as the shark stopped moving and began to sink. He ducked his head under the water and watched the creature slowly spiral into the deep, its mouth agape and trails of blood adding a kind of beauty to the sight. It had all happened so fast and yet it seemed like an eternity. He finally emerged and looked around for a life jacket. He saw one nearby and managed to slip it over his head, removing his other katana first. There might be other sharks in the water, after all.

"It would be just my luck to get caught in a feeding frenzy," he muttered. At least there weren't any seagulls around; not yet.

Since he didn't have a holster for the gun and didn't want to lose it, he decided to hold onto it as well, even if it made swimming more difficult. He was already mourning the loss of one sword but was grateful to still have the other. He spotted the direction of the island and began working his way to shore.

Maximum effort.

***

"Jesus H. Christ," said the gruff voice above him.

Wade looked up and realized he must have passed out, because it was dusk now. He was also no longer in the water but on another boat, putting his head in hands in relief. His hands...

"Wait a minute," he exclaimed, looking around. "Where are my weapons? Where am I?" He looked up and saw a familiar face.

"Aboard the Orca," said Quint. "Your gun and sword are in the hold. You're lucky I found you. Though I can't say I feel the same." His mouth was turned in disgust. Wade looked down and saw a blanket covering his lower section. He could feel his legs, but they were small. And bare. He slowly looked up and stifled a laugh.

"Thank you," he said, "this means a lot to me. You probably have questions."

"Understatement of the century."

"Maybe it'll be easier if I just show you-"

"No need. I seen it."

"I meant my face." With that, Wade removed his mask and Quint became the first person on Amity to see who Deadpool really was.

"Right," said Quint. "So what in hell are you supposed to be, anyhow? A magic burn victim?"

"Try mutant with late stage cancer. I can regenerate lost parts, but then they all end up looking like this."

"No kiddin'. What happened to you out there? Meet that damn shark or a boatin' accident?"

"A bit of both. He chomped me in half and sank my boat. I blew his goddamn brains out. So, we're even."

"Pity you can't prove it. Unless you want to show the chief and that Kitner boy's mum what I've just seen."

"Closest thing to proof I have. And no, I'm not proud to admit that."

A bright flash of light suddenly appeared next to them, and from it emerged a large, enraged man with a metal arm and a glowing eye. Quint was dumbstruck but Wade knew who it was, sighing in both relief and resignation.

"I was wondering if I'd see you again," he said. "Cable, meet Quint. Quint, meet-"

"Skip the pleasantries, dumbass," snarled Cable. "We have bigger problems. You're coming with me right now."

"Well obviously. Can I just grab my things?"

"Leave them. We need to go back to when you started this mess. There's more at stake here than just you tampering with my equipment. Again." He shifted a frustrated look towards Quint, who raised his eyebrows in bemusement.

"More at stake how?"

"The fabric of reality is about to fall apart and I need you to help ensure that doesn't happen. Now enough talk, let's go."

"As you wish," said Wade, putting his mask back on and standing up slowly. His legs wobbled, the blanket slid off and both Cable and Quint looked away. "Let's go save the world."

"For the love of..." muttered Cable, "just wrap that damn blanket around you first."

"You can keep it," said Quint.

Seconds later, the light was gone and Quint found himself alone. He didn't know what the hell to think, only that he needed a mug of brandy to calm his nerves. As he sat down and began to pour, the fabric of his reality changed and he was at the town hall, ready to give his proposal.


End file.
